I felt our baby kick today

(photo by Meghan Harrison of m.rose photography)

I am a planner. But in the life way, not so much in the day to day. Although I'm working on it, and I think it's a good thing. 

I crave a plan for what our life is going to look like in five, ten, thirty years. Mostly, I wish I had the blueprints to our family. How many kids are we going to have?!!! It drives me crazy that I don't know. I have this perfect little plan in my head of how many and which gender and what order. I even made a name suggestion to Jeremy last night. So far everything is going to plan. 

But I often get this feeling, presumably a kindness from God, that my life probably won't turn out quite like I'm imaging it. The hard part is to accept that His plan will be better and to allow him to be the leader.

I sometimes feel like we need to have all our kids right now - bam bam bam and be done. Then they'd be close together and it'd be so great. But at this point Madeline won't have a sister very close to her. So that ship has kind of sailed.  Not that it was the ship of all ships we were hoping to be on, but I often wished I had a sister close in age. So I maybe hoped I could give that to my daughter, but I survived. Thrived even. There's no where it says the perfect family looks like "this". Families come in all shapes and sizes, and most of them are pretty great.

As Luke was approaching his first birthday, this topic was weighing heavily on my mind. In part because it's hard to accept the fact that you don't really have a baby anymore, and sometimes your arms ache to hold your own infant children again. However, it was also on my mind because we're not done having kids. Our family doesn't feel complete yet, and seeking to know His will is an important part of moving forward.

The truth is, neither of us feel ready to invite baby number three quite yet. Sometimes it really bothers me, because for some reason I feel like we SHOULD be wanting and trying.  I almost feel guilty at times for not being ready, although I know I shouldn't. I've loved so many moments of being a mom, and I'm so very grateful for where we are right now. So logically I should want to invite more babies, right?!

Our ward just had a baby boom, there are babies all around me. And they're all so beautiful and perfect and new, and I have nothing but kind thoughts towards them. I love every chance I have to hold one of them. But there's not a hint of jealousy or baby fever or anything. The idea of morning sickness, and housing another child for nine long months, of delivery and starting nursing all over again, and the sleepless nights that never seem to end, all of that is blurring my vision of the perfect little souls sent straight from heaven. I loved being pregnant with my first two, and while all the aforementioned negatives of babies were a reality with Madeline and Luke, I didn't care that much at all because they were such sweet, new little babies.

So why aren't we feeling the desire to have more babies?!! (And when I say we, I mean we. Jeremy is very much in the same place as me. I don't think he thinks about it quite as much as me, but you know, from the husband/man perspective... we're on the same page).

As I've pondered the timing of our next baby, the thought that keeps coming to my mind is, "take this year". Take this year and enjoy not being pregnant. Enjoy having your body to yourself (...whenever Luke stops nursing. No rush buddy! I'm still enjoying it.) Take this year and make some positive changes. Take this year to enjoy your family in this stage of life. Right here. Right now. Take this year to be a mom of two. Take this year to chase some dreams, to become closer to the you you want to be. Take this year.

Today as I was standing in the living room, watching my kids play happily together, I felt our baby kick. Only it wasn't a baby, it was a bubble in my stomach. Let me tell you though, it felt like those little flutters right when the reality of another human being inside you is starting to sink in. For a second I forgot I wasn't pregnant. For a moment I was excited again at the prospect of housing another child of God inside of me. What an amazing thing.

Call me crazy, but I totally consider that digestive bubble a flutter of hope from God. A gentle reminder that those feelings will come back. And when they do come back, I think we'll know that it's time to invite another spirit into our family here on earth.

Someday I will be pregnant again. At least I hope I will. It will be beautiful, and we'll be so happy, whenever it happens. But for now, it's nice to feel that we have Heavenly approval to enjoy who we are as a family right now. To be a family of four a little while longer and set the question of "when" aside for a year.

"Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot

more out of their lives than they can. He can deepen their joys, expand their vision,

quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings,

increase their opportunities, comfort their souls and pour out peace."

- Ezra Taft Benson -

It still seems a little strange to me that this is God's plan for us right now. But I have faith that He's holding the blueprints for our family and He knows what is best. He has a plan and He's giving us little signals as we walk forward in faith. The blessings He's given us so far have been pretty amazing, and I truly believe there's more we can't yet fathom at the stage of our lives. I look forward to seeing where He's leading us, but I'm also just really grateful for where we are right now.