February 17, 2012

"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not"

{February 17}

Today marks the one year anniversary of the baby we lost.
I had only been pregnant for a couple of days, but those couple
of days mattered and losing a baby is never easy.
I don't ever remember being in so much pain,
both physically and emotionally.  It was worse than giving birth.
Maybe because there was no reward or maybe it really was just that bad.
I've been thinking a lot about it the past few weeks, knowing it was coming
and wondering how I would feel.  That day replays so vividly in my mind.
Experiencing it was like watching myself from the corner of the room.
{you can read about my experience here}
I remember trying everything I could to escape the pain.
Screaming out for help, but no one came.
Blaming myself and yearning for an explanation.
What could possibly be doing this to my body? 
And why would Heavenly Father take away something
that had brought so much happiness to this newly formed family 
who not only wanted to start their family, but would strive to raise
them in a home filled with love and righteousness?
 Hours later I found a glimpse of peace when Jeremy got home. 
He held me tightly in his arms and finally I found sleep.

At the time I felt empty.
At the time I felt alone.

But one scripture repeatedly came to mind.
"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not"
{Doctrine and Covenants 6:36}

I surrendered and trusted the Lord.
And you know what, He really did know what was best for us.
He had a plan for us that we could not then see.

One month later, to the day, we found out we were, again, expecting.
He knew we needed this beautiful girl to be the firstborn of our family.
He knew of her sweet spirit and the happiness she would bring.

I love Madeline more than I could ever describe.
The light she's filled our lives with is truly magical.
Today would be much harder with out her in my arms.
But it's still hard to think of the spirit we lost.
Hard not to wonder who they would have become.

 I know our Heavenly Father knows us each individually.
He knows what we need and He'll do what He thinks is best for us;
What will help us learn and grow so that we can return to live with Him.
How grateful I am for a God who isn't afraid of giving us trials, 

because with out them, we wouldn't appreciate the blessings He gives us.


  1. In January of 2010, Alex and I lost a baby as well. It was an ectopic pregnancy and after going through chemo for a few weeks trying to get rid of what the doctors called "multiplying cells" and I called my first baby, it ruptured my fallopian tube and I had to have emergency surgery. It was the longest and hardest month of my life and I felt so empty after. I had just barely found out that we were pregnant but I had already fell in love, and you are right when you say it's an empty and alone feeling. But God had a plan for us too and we found out a month and a half later that we were expecting Payson. God works in mysterious ways to bless us. And I take comfort in knowing that one day we will get to raise our little baby =).

    PS...it's super freaky how similar we are...just saying lol.

  2. Sarah, this is really great! Thank you for sharing your testimony. You are such a strong girl and you have a great testimony. Thanks for being such a great example and a light.
    I love you!

  3. aww you poor girl! Nathan's first birthday was awful for me. We tried to make it happy for him, even though he had no idea what was going on, but I just wasn't over his traumatic birth yet. I can't imagine going through what you did! My mom had a miscarriage and has described very similar things to me. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today!


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